Many of you noticed that the stylings of our friendly neighborhood turtle were absent last week. Over our holiday break, Sheldon was rushed to the hospital to be treated for a serious abdominal condition, and was left for overnight observation. The next morning, Sheldon was nowhere to be found. A massive search was undertaken with no stone left unturned but, alas, there was no trace of Sheldon.
In the subsequent days, details emerged as to Sheldon’s life and identity that were previously unknown. Sheldon was not a run-of-the-mill turtle, but an adolescent African hingeback tortoise. He was not a true vegetarian, but actually subsisted on crickets and worms. And, perhaps most shocking of all, Sheldon was a SHE!
Naturally, we were stunned. Why had Sheldon (or Shelly, or whatever our friend’s real name was) kept these details private, even concealing her true gender? Confusion reigned in the ORA, and production was severely compromised.
Just when we thought that we had seen and heard the last from our friend, on Wednesday we received the following message on a postcard postmarked from Fort Hancock, Texas:
I am sorry for having to leave so suddenly. However, by bringing me to the doctor, you exposed my existence in the Witness Protection Program, which compromised not only my safety and well-being but yours as well. As a result, I made the difficult decision to run and start a new life somewhere else where I can blend in. I promise to keep in touch whenever possible, but always remember that your King is out there demanding the very best from each and every one of you.
Best, ‘Sheldon’ “
Though we remain in shock that ‘Sheldon’ had to depart so abruptly, we are comforted that she is out there and, we hope, protected by the WPP (though is it really effective?). We also look forward to hearing from Sheldon, but acknowledge the likelihood is probably low. Regardless, we will miss our dear friend, and wish her well.