Today is December 2, and you know what that means – TIME TO BUY ME GIFTS!
It’s always better to give than to receive, which means the gifts are just piling up for me! I recently learned that Christmas can come every day of the year if you have coworkers who set Amazon one-click shopping as their homepage. My new Kindle will be here tomorrow and I can’t wait to watch Elf on repeat! That’s right, people; Hanukkah is going to last way longer than 8 nights for this tortoise!
My office minions have been asking me over and over what I want for Christmas. Apparently, no one made a list of the perfect gifts to buy Sheldon, and folks are definitely losing sleep over this. So, for their benefit, and for yours in case you want to show your appreciation for me brightening your day, here’s what was in my email to Santa:
- Rappelling Equipment. I have conquered the play pen walls but getting down is a whole other adventure. With some equipment I could be prepared and not plummet to my death. You don’t want me to DIE do you?!
- A freaking sweater! It is winter. Winter is cold. I saw these on a zoo special on Animal Planet and I want one SO BAD.
- A Squirrel-Free Spring. You have 4 months to make the squirrels leave. You can do this any way you want, I don’t really care to know the gory details. But I want a pleasant spring stroll without some frizzy-tailed moron trying to steal my orange slice. Just in case, though, I’ve already lined up some friends to take care of business should the need arise.
- I WANT TO GO TO UTAH! Not because I want to join some a post-polygamist religion or get rained on. Not even because I’ve never been somewhere that starts with a “U”. It’s because I’m obsessed with the Holdman House. These people show dedication! Yes I know Mr. Sandman isn’t the most Christmas-y song out there but it’s AWESOME. I want this done to my condo. Minions assemble!
When in doubt, you can assume that if I can climb it, eat it, or it will drive my office minions crazy, I will LOVE it. So, take a few moments and make your ol’ tortoise pal happy in this Holiday Season. Because trust me, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.