It’s official – we are mere days away from the fattest holiday on the planet, Thanksgiving. The average American will consume 4500 calories at the Thanksgiving meal alone. Yep, breakfast and after dinner snacking are extra. So, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, here is what I’m thankful for.
1) Not living in Canada. America’s Hat has Thanksgiving in October. First of all, you’re NOT American, let go of our holiday. Just because you celebrate it a month before we do doesn’t make you original. Also, the only thing you have to be thankful for is hockey, as it is the ONLY reason we let you across the freaking border. Stop taking an entire week off of work and focus on grooming the next Wayne Gretzky.
2) The turkey is not the national bird. Although Ben Franklin is usually my personal hero (have you SEEN his head?! The man was part turtle. . .), the whole turkey love thing would have put a damper on things. Seriously B-Frank, turkeys can drown if they look up when it rains…you want that representing our country?! Though, given our current economic situation, it may have been pretty accurate.
3) FRUIT. There is nothing I should be more thankful for than fruit. Without it, I would probably have to eat pizza like the TMNT and lose my perfect figure.
4) I was not alive for the very first Thanksgiving. For the record, some truly disturbed people actually used to EAT turtles. I could have been a side dish at the actual Thanksgiving. Luckily people are too full of their turduckens (turkey stuffed with duck stuffed with chicken) to even consider adding beautiful, revered creatures like myself to the menu.
5) Johns Hopkins. I have found the best office to live in. There was a strategic placement process to get me here, no doubt. I have come upon the most genuinely awesome group of adoring characters to serve me. You should be jealous.
So, enjoy your Thanksgiving! Try not to choke on a cranberry or eat so much pie that you get stuck in a chair. If this does happen, please take a picture/video so everyone can enjoy your embarrassment for years to come.