There seems to be some confusion as to why my office subjects have elected me their office pet/King. Here at Johns Hopkins the mascot is a blue jay and there has been talk of why I am not a blue jay. So I’ve compiled a list of reasons why tortoises are better than blue jays.
1) We don’t migrate. Given how important I am to everyday office life there’s no way they could survive if I ran south for the winter. Migration is for animals that people can only put up with for a few months at a time. I’m going to petition that small furry animals start migrating, especially squirrels.
2) We don’t molt. Seriously I live in a shell, which grows with me. Hermit crabs freak me out, public nudity isn’t cool guys. Anyway, Feathers are gross and probably carry diseases. Plus I’ve seen feather extensions. I’m going to save everyone from themselves and remove temptation.
3) Tortoises eat fruit, humans eat fruit. That makes us on the same level. Blue jays eat bird seed. Bird seed is squirrel food. No one other than birds or squirrels like that crap.
4) Blue jays are aggressive animals. They will attack other birds/ animals. The only thing I attack is peaches and that’s only because they are so tasty! Wait… blue jays may be cannibals.
5) Blue jays are known escape artists. HELLO did you just read number 4?! Surprise attack!! Not cool.
6) Turtle babies are cute. We hatch and then keep ourselves alive, all with a happy demeanor. Blue jay babies are straight up ugly. And don’t pretend like there aren’t ugly babies. Then they are force-fed anger and resentment until they are big enough to leave the nest and surprise attack.
7) Blue jays are loud. I don’t care who you are, 8 hours a day of bird song would drive you bat-crap-crazy. Thanks but my people have enough to deal with.
I could go on forever but I feel like I’ve made my point. PLUS I found this really great video in honor of Halloween that I want to share!